Why did I stopped Breastfeeding/Expressing?

At a point later in time, perhaps I might ask myself, why was the decision to stopped breastfeeding K2 or expressing breastmilk for her came so early. She is 6 weeks and 1 day old today. I want to remember that the decision was one of the toughest I had to make. More so that getting the new car!

In my mind, I am fully aware of the benefits of breastfeeding/breastmilk. However at this point in time, it is better to have the time to enjoy time with Wil, my girls and myself. Face it, I am unable to fully provide K2's current nutrition. I detest that fact, but it is a fact. And I think I am not making it easy for myself and to those around me (especially Wil and my girls). And I am not enjoying having to attached plastic cones over me, having artificial suction to draw whatever nourishment there and to having constantly and unnaturally squeezing out whatever is remaining inside.

I kept asking myself why is it different this time? Perhaps, I got too stressed up (2 kids, desire to lose weight fast, wanting to be supermom and not resting enough). God knows how hard I had tried. Everyone around me witnessed my pain and agony for those weeks when I tried to breastfeed exclusively. I know for myself that I am one persistent woman. There were also the incidents with the jaundice bili bed in the room (K2 had jaundice and we rented the blue bed home for her and that was rather painful seeing her naked in the bed), mastitis, sore and bleeding nipples (honestly I thought my nipple was going to drop off as the sore was huge), clogged ducts, the flying bugs at home, having to move over to my parents place (because of the bugs), the overall lack of milk flow etc... ...

The current situation (till 10 hours ago) was that I would express milk for K2 every four hours. But you know what? That meant time away from feeding and bonding Eva, hanging out with Wil and The Kid, and even time to rest and for myself. I was not healthy mentally.

Today, Wil and I had another one of those talks. He asked that for the sake of myself and the family to really stop the expressing. He highlighted that it probably have affected my mood (today I snapped and caned The Kid all because she spilled soy milk on the table and food, and I had to clean it up. It happened when I was washing the pumping bottles and Lorne was feeding K2. If I was not expressing, I would not be washing the bottles, and would be either spending time with The Kid or feeding K2). See the chain of events?

I told Wil that I had cheated and put K2 on my breast two days ago. How I enjoyed having her at my breast. The closeness of her to me, her tiny hands touching me... Words is unable to describe that motherly feeling. Yet, at the back of my mind, I asked myself, so what? I am not able to provide her completely for her, so why agonise myself and her, if we have to switch to the bottle right after.

I have been feeling like a failure that I am not able to provide for her total nutritional needs. I have been feeling guilt that she is deprived of the benefits of breastmilk. My dear baby, please know that mommy has tried her very best for a long time. Mommy, and you, and your sister and daddy have to move on with life. Looking back at this, perhaps it does not even matter. However, at this moment in time (my breasts are engorged because I did not express so as to diminish production), stopping it all is very very emotional for me.

My young baby, I worry so much for you health, future and all. Your wise daddy kept telling me that there are so many variables in life. Genes, environment, upbringing. Breastfeeding is only a small part of it all. The thinking part of me agree, yet the emotional part of me wants to keep expressing for you. However, I do agree with daddy that it is better that we are a happy family first. I have to be totally happy and you my young baby, will pick it up from me. And your daddy and your sister.

I will stick to the decision to stop expressing. I look at your Yi-Yi Theresa, Jie-Jie Sonia, Kor-Kor Ryan, Auntie Shiao Ling. They were not breastfed. Myself and your daddy too. We are good. And I know that you will turn out great too!

My deepest love to you, daddy and sister.

Expressing milk for The Kid stopped at Week 16, and K2 at Week 6. The second decision was a much tougher and definitely more emotional one. The balance of self- and family- happiness was the priority. I want to look back and say, "Don't look back in anger (or guilt, or grieve)". The decision made at this point in time, it is a sound and good one. For one, for family.

Lots of love!!!