"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." ~ Anonymous
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Calling it a day
Why did I stopped Breastfeeding/Expressing?
At a point later in time, perhaps I might ask myself, why was the decision to stopped breastfeeding K2 or expressing breastmilk for her came so early. She is 6 weeks and 1 day old today. I want to remember that the decision was one of the toughest I had to make. More so that getting the new car!
In my mind, I am fully aware of the benefits of breastfeeding/breastmilk. However at this point in time, it is better to have the time to enjoy time with Wil, my girls and myself. Face it, I am unable to fully provide K2's current nutrition. I detest that fact, but it is a fact. And I think I am not making it easy for myself and to those around me (especially Wil and my girls). And I am not enjoying having to attached plastic cones over me, having artificial suction to draw whatever nourishment there and to having constantly and unnaturally squeezing out whatever is remaining inside.
I kept asking myself why is it different this time? Perhaps, I got too stressed up (2 kids, desire to lose weight fast, wanting to be supermom and not resting enough). God knows how hard I had tried. Everyone around me witnessed my pain and agony for those weeks when I tried to breastfeed exclusively. I know for myself that I am one persistent woman. There were also the incidents with the jaundice bili bed in the room (K2 had jaundice and we rented the blue bed home for her and that was rather painful seeing her naked in the bed), mastitis, sore and bleeding nipples (honestly I thought my nipple was going to drop off as the sore was huge), clogged ducts, the flying bugs at home, having to move over to my parents place (because of the bugs), the overall lack of milk flow etc... ...
The current situation (till 10 hours ago) was that I would express milk for K2 every four hours. But you know what? That meant time away from feeding and bonding Eva, hanging out with Wil and The Kid, and even time to rest and for myself. I was not healthy mentally.
Today, Wil and I had another one of those talks. He asked that for the sake of myself and the family to really stop the expressing. He highlighted that it probably have affected my mood (today I snapped and caned The Kid all because she spilled soy milk on the table and food, and I had to clean it up. It happened when I was washing the pumping bottles and Lorne was feeding K2. If I was not expressing, I would not be washing the bottles, and would be either spending time with The Kid or feeding K2). See the chain of events?
I told Wil that I had cheated and put K2 on my breast two days ago. How I enjoyed having her at my breast. The closeness of her to me, her tiny hands touching me... Words is unable to describe that motherly feeling. Yet, at the back of my mind, I asked myself, so what? I am not able to provide her completely for her, so why agonise myself and her, if we have to switch to the bottle right after.
I have been feeling like a failure that I am not able to provide for her total nutritional needs. I have been feeling guilt that she is deprived of the benefits of breastmilk. My dear baby, please know that mommy has tried her very best for a long time. Mommy, and you, and your sister and daddy have to move on with life. Looking back at this, perhaps it does not even matter. However, at this moment in time (my breasts are engorged because I did not express so as to diminish production), stopping it all is very very emotional for me.
My young baby, I worry so much for you health, future and all. Your wise daddy kept telling me that there are so many variables in life. Genes, environment, upbringing. Breastfeeding is only a small part of it all. The thinking part of me agree, yet the emotional part of me wants to keep expressing for you. However, I do agree with daddy that it is better that we are a happy family first. I have to be totally happy and you my young baby, will pick it up from me. And your daddy and your sister.
I will stick to the decision to stop expressing. I look at your Yi-Yi Theresa, Jie-Jie Sonia, Kor-Kor Ryan, Auntie Shiao Ling. They were not breastfed. Myself and your daddy too. We are good. And I know that you will turn out great too!
My deepest love to you, daddy and sister.
Expressing milk for The Kid stopped at Week 16, and K2 at Week 6. The second decision was a much tougher and definitely more emotional one. The balance of self- and family- happiness was the priority. I want to look back and say, "Don't look back in anger (or guilt, or grieve)". The decision made at this point in time, it is a sound and good one. For one, for family.
Here is the birth story of K2, born on 18 September 2008 at Mount Alvernia Hospital at 10.50am, weighing 3.425kgm, measuring 49cm in length and a head circumference of 33.5cm. ~ Written by my doula, Ginny.
15 September 200810.45am Mommy (Christine) smses:
Hi Ginny (my doula). Today is so called 2nd due date. Baby's enjoying my company :-) so there's no showing signs of her emerging. I've just had my appointment with gynae Paul. Baby's down. Good heartbeat at 128.
10.55am Mommy smses:
Am good. Finally took leave from work. Packed hospital bag. More time to listen to my tapes and read... I'm trying to practice that illusive birth breathing. Can't imagine. Only worried that baby's spine still right side... Sad when i wake up sleeping on my right.
18 September 2008
I was on the way for my weekly early morning swim when your Mommy smsed me to inform me that she is in labor.
6.02am Mommy smses:
Hi. Could be soon... Surges woke me up at 3am. They come around 5 times in last hour. Lasting 10-20seconds. Don't come yet. Let me monitor:-)
6.07am Mommy smses:
When do you typically come. The sensations are intense. Just got another one. Less than 10min apart. Last only 10sec. Ok. I'll take a shower and let you know by 630am.
I called your Mommy and told her that I am about to go for a swim and that if she is still ok, I will continue with my plans to swim and come out of the pool around 7-7.15am to call her and check how she is doing. She agreed and said that she was going to head for the shower. Whilst swimming halfway, with the clock at the pool being spoilt and not giving the accurate timing, I had a feeling that I had to get out of the pool and call your Mom, and when I did, she asked me to come right away. The traffic was heavy and halfway home, your Daddy called and asked to meet at the hospital instead. I said that was a great idea because of the peak hour traffic. My aunt dropped me off at the hospital and wished me good luck for a fast labor, and I said confidently “Oh this one will be a fast one, I feel it in my gut!”
8.20am I am waiting at hospital lobby, called your mommy and she said she is on the way.
8.45am I am still waiting, must be the slow traffic. I called Daddy to say that I am waiting downstairs, so he can drop Mommy off first then go and park the car.
8.50am Your parents arrived and Mommy headed straight for the lobby to ask for a wheelchair whilst I took her stuff. I pushed the wheelchair up and your Mommy stands and walks around during surges, which were coming really close together, with an estimated 3 minute intervals. She rubs her back and hips as she swayed, so I took out my heat pack to give her some warm compress and later, back massages. Nurse suggested that she does an internal examination now as Mommy looks like she is quite advance in labor. Your Mommy readily agreed and she was already 7-8cm dilated, hooray! The nurse went on to ask when did labor start and Mommy started sharing how Daddy was not ready to leave the house as he still had emails to sent out and she had to insist that they go NOW! Daddy comes in, relaxed and getting the admissions done.Mommy sits up on the bed labouring, reluctant to move to any other position because she was feeling tired. After a while, she got up to pee. Surges at the point was still consistent and I suggested that she goes on all fours to labor and asked her to visualise her waters releasing to hasten the labor. She coughs really hard in-between some surges. After admissions was settled, Daddy supported Mommy and decided to rest for a while and fell asleep on the chair.
10.04am Mommy went into another coughing fit and both Daddy and I thought she vomited, only to realise that her waters broke and her waters were clear, all good signs. I belled for the nurse and another internal check was done and Mommy was fully dilated and your head was positioned quite low. At this point, the frequency of the surges has been tapering off, which worried me a little. So I was hoping that the spontaneous rupture of membranes would bring the surges on but it did not. Dr. Paul has been notified and said that he is making his way down to the hospital. I encouraged your Mommy to take on another position but other than labouring on all fours, she was quite reluctant. Finally she agreed on moving to a squatting position. She varied between sitting on the birth stool and squatting, supported by Daddy and as I encouraged her to bear down harder and sustain her out breath, your head was soon visible.
It became clear that you are going to be born soon and just as I was wondering when Dr. Paul would be arriving, he stepped in, quickly grabbed the apron and gloves and with some guidance to pant instead of push, you emerged out into the world at 10.50am into the arms of your Mommy who was squatting and Daddy was pleasantly surprised that he could see you emerging out.I sure hope this wonderful birth experience healed the scars the previous birth left behind.
So, the Kid's 2nd birthday is just around the corner. We asked ourselves if we were going to invite fifty of our friends and their kids for her party. The predominately laid-backed parents in us gave a whack on our heads. Nah! Just our closest closest families will be great!
Note to self - Have to change the lilypie banner on the top of the blog for her soon!
Wil and I decided rather last minute to take a trip to Bangkok. It is not the city of top-choice, but we had the following in mind:
a) short air travel time; at 20 weeks you want to know that you can make it home if you really needed to; and
b) short getaway period; with a 23 months old left behind you want to know that you can make it home if she really needed you to.
All things said, we booked our trip on Thu and departed to our vacation destination early Sat morning.
Highlights of the vacations would definitely be:
1) We got this suite in a 4-star for around USD50/night. Wil saw this fab. deal on a hotel booking website; turn out to be their mistake (would cost like USD300/night) and totally our blessings.
2) We get like tar-pas and drinks every evenings and chill out with yoga in the studio.
3) We knew 4 May 2008 was going to be a great day when there were smiley faces in my cut sausages and we got to meet the Tays. It was great to know that there are familiar faces whom you have not met for over a year and still not run of things to say in one whole day! The boys when for the traditional Thai massage and us ladies got our nails all clean, shaped and done up!
4) Just taking time off to hang out with each other. Something we have not done for rather long and were badly in need of.
As for the Kid, she woke up at 2am the first night asking for me; and on the third day was looking for her "Daddy" about the house. What a darling
The Kid's swimming get-up. Pardon the mismatched gears
The whole troop is unwell. Wil has all sorts of body aches and a runny nose. I am sneezing, the occasional runny nose, and the overall yucky feeling. I am surprised The Kid's nose is still on her face, considering how runny it is.
Over night, the sweet cool breeze packed up to blow on another part of Earth's face. Those of us trapped in the urban build-ups are left clamy and bothered. I just told a girlfriend about sneezing in this hot weather, what an irony. What is the theory behind sneezing in the heat? Not the cold definitely. Pollen?
On a separate note, I have been wondering when to break the news of K2 to The Kid. Yup, she has not been officially informed. She could hardly wait five minutes, let alone 5 months.
For the time being, she gets her personal moments. I think that is something being the younger children (of our parents) that Wil and I have not known.
Oh before I forget, The Kid's 9-months old teething cousin bit her toes yesterday. She stood silently, stoic. I hope that is a sign on how she treats her younger companions. Keep those fingers crossed.
I am sitting in the office at 7.30am in the morning and wondering what I am doing here. I have this headache and feels neusea. Perhaps it is the Monday's blues; but the weekend was terrible, I feel unrested and now have this splitting headache.
The weather I blame for my current state of body and mind - it is pouring in the middle of March and the winds are cold as ice. After the short heavy showers, the sun would come ablazing. La Nina, someone said. Ouch, I have this headache.
So, I sit here wondering what would cheer me up, and to the death of me, I can't think of anything. Food has never been a source of comfort, neither has been music. I was wondering if shopping works, but know deep down it provides only instant gratification and then I become guilty seeing the next credit bill.
I think I am thinking too hard to find a fix and should just look at things around me. I am going to get a cup of hot tea and pour through today's news. If that does not work, I will look forward to my lunch-time workout. And if that still not help, I think I will just go home early and play with the kid. That helps, if she is in a good mood.
The Kid is testing my patience, my patience, my patience. Yesterday, we went out twice. Once to the grocer's, another time to my sister's. Both times, she decided the clothes she was going to wear, right down to the shoes.
Did not take a picture of her but she was out in a stripped colourful T, blue skirt with fruity prints and lace, her pink and white addidas, and her red bag. She took fifteen minutes to pick out that outfit. My neighbours thought she looked cute.
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