The Kids are fine. And so are we!: My One and Only You

The Kids are fine. And so are we!

"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." ~ Anonymous

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

My One and Only You

Two weeks ago I read "Raising Babies" by Steve Biddulph. It mentioned that little kids need to have one/two care-givers who are constant figures in their lives. My colleague remembered what I shared with him and showed me an article on a research (done in Singapore) that prove this fact.

I am guilty for not being the constant figure for my kid. While I know I need to be there for her, I am unable to unwrap myself from my own security blanket. Am I willing to quit my job and take up the new role of being my kid's constant? The answer right now is no. Having a kid has changed my life big time, but being a working mom sort of make it less disruptive. I do not have the courage to quit my job. For all I know, I may jolly well suck in the new job. To those moms and dads who chose to stay home with their kids, I saluate you!

We have been raised by a generation of women who wanted their kids to have the education they did not have. Females in my mother's generation have to give up higher education and start work young so that their male or younger siblings could attend schools. Since girl-hood, my generation was told we have it good because we could stay in school. We had the right too. We were contributing to the nation and hone when we joined our mothers and sisters in the workforce.

Over time, our self-worth was partially measured through the type of certification awarded to us or the job title we held. I am proud of what I am today because I know my mother approves of where I am.

In invisible ways, we modelled ourselves to be like our hardworking and long-suffering mothers who toiled in and out of the house. We told ourselves we have to work harder and longer than our mothers. This is why we are here now. A generation of women who chooses infant care centres over home care, formula over breast milk. We read books on baby care and post-natal depressions; than choose to stay with extended families who will provide the care and support. We deposit our newborns and return to work the moment our maternity leaves end (I know of women who return to work early, by their own choice). We say it is easier to perform well at work and parenting is a greater challenge. Our mothers wanted the best for us and that to them is how much we can provide for our kids. I think mothers in my generation are starting to realise that our kids require provision in the intangibles. I just heard that one colleague's wife home-tutors their kids. We are moving back to how things have been for centuries, before Industrialisation, before the world wars. When families are united and complete. When kids' constants are their parents.

My kid has made me realise how inadequate I am to be her mother. I realised that the gap to fill is how should not be measured by how much I could afford to buy her, but rather how much time I could spend with her. Bringing up Tara means being there for her. This I must work on.

==========================================================================================
Not always there for you, baby
Children need a consistent caregiver, or they run greater risk of mental problems: Survey
Tan Hui Leng
huileng@mediacorp.com.sg
Today Paper, Wednesday, 18 October 2006

A PIECE of granny's wisdom has just got some scientific backing: When a child's growing up, nothing quite beats a parent being around.
.
For many households, that is simply not feasible. For the more unfortunate ones, it can also have quite painful consequences.
.
This was revealed in an Institute of Mental Health (IMH) survey of over 2,000 children in primary schools, as well as their parents, conducted over a three-year period. Children who were looked after primarily by domestic maids or at daycare centres were twice as likely to develop mental health problems, compared to those cared for by their parents.
.
"Such children get less psychological support from their parents and the quality of care from their caretakers may differ," said Dr Bernadine Woo, the principal investigator of the study. "The results are quite significant."
.
And they may also be depressing for working mothers. But the study throws up enough pointers to guide those who have no choice but to let others look after their children.
.
The key, according to IMH's deputy chief of child and adolescent department, Dr Daniel Fung, is that a child's primary caregiver should be there for him consistently. This is particularly important in the first six years of a child's life.
.
So, should a child be sent to a daycare facility, ideally, the same person should be assigned to care for him every day. The same goes for maids.
.
"You can have a very good maid who is very devoted to the child — but after three or four years she leaves and of course it's a big blow to the child, because the child has formed an important attachment to her," said Dr Ken Ung, a noted psychiatrist in private practice.
.
This is especially so as children suffer from stranger anxiety between the age of nine months and three years, said child psychiatrist Brian Yeo. It's for this reason that even orphanages now try to have the same daily caregivers for children.
.
"Whenever a child is stressed he will always think about the consistent figures in his life and whether there's a good mother figure as a source of comfort," said Dr Yeo. "If you always come back to a place where there are different people looking after you then you also feel very insecure."
.
Sometimes, these problems are transient, as parents step in to shower a child with extra attention once his favourite maid has left. Other sudden absences are more difficult to overcome.
.
The study — whose results were presented at this year's National Healthcare Group's Annual Scientific Congress — found, for example, that children with single, divorced, widowed or deceased mothers are three times as much at risk of developing mental health problems as other children.
.
Dr Ung mentioned the case of a six-year-old girl he treated last year. She was brought up by her paternal grandmother after her parents divorced. The girl went into depression, threw tantrums and refused to go to school. .
"Five or ten years down the road, she may still carry the scars," said Dr Ung.
.
If a central caregiver fades from a child's life, the insecurity can stretch into adulthood. "The child may conclude that 'good things never last, I can't feel secure; even if things are good, they may get taken away'," said Dr Ung.
.
Children with multiple caregivers sometimes end up being defiant, telling lies or throwing tan-trums, noted Mrs Seah Kheng Yeow, the deputy director of Fei Yue Family Service Centre.
.
The anecdotal evidence is now backed by the first child mental health epidemiology study ever done in Singapore, and it could well influence the planning of support services for the 10 to 15 per cent of children aged between 6 and 12 years who are at risk.
.
The study also found that boys face a higher risk of developing emotional and behavioural problems than girls. Those with lower IQs also were three times as much at risk compared to those with higher IQs.
.
The risk was also higher for children with fathers of lower educational levels.
.
Armed with statistics, the group will present its findings to the authorities so that the more vulnerable children can be offered a stronger safety net.
==================================================================================

Labels: books, motherhood

posted by Chris @ 2:59 pm

0 Comments: